by Daniel Erenberg

I’ve been watching the Red Carpet show on E! for an hour and I’m already pissed.

I should probably give you guys a disclaimer. I thought Slumdog Millionaire was a totally lame movie, and I don’t care what anyone says. And don’t try to explain the film to me. I don’t care that it’s a fairy tale. I don’t care that it’s being honest about real life events that have occurred in Mumbai. I don’t care that it’s an underdog masterpiece with many wonderful amateur actors. I don’t give a shit. I hated the “message,” I didn’t buy the plot contrivances and I thought the characters were motivated by completely false impulses, and it’s not “feel-good” if it just makes me feel disdain. Also, worst ending ever. And I’m referring to the phone call, the race across the train tracks, the “Destiny” choice and the Bollywood number. It was all awful. But it’s going to win Best Picture tonight. And it may be the worst Best Picture winner of all time. That’s right. Crash was better. So was Million Dollar Baby. So was Shakespeare in Love. If Slumdog wins tonight, it would be worse than if Little Miss Sunshine had beat The Departed three years ago or if Michael Clayton had taken down both No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood last year. The Academy is gonna be really embarrassed about this in a few years. Also, I’m sick of Danny Boyle’s smug face. So let’s get going. Time for the Oscars!

8:10- Danny Boyle is on the Red Carpet with lots of Indian people from the movie standing behind him. Smug, smug, smug, talking about how wonderful it is that these perfect and brilliant people can be there with him. Go away.

8:15- Jeez, Anne Hathaway is fine. And she gave one of my favorite performances of the year in Rachel Getting Married. I’m gonna go watch clips of her naked in Havoc and Brokeback online now. To prepare for the show! I swear!

8:24- Judd Apatow, Leslie Mann and Seth Rogen all on screen. My affection for them is quelling my hatred of Boyle and his band of Indians.

8:27- They’re describing the set. Apparently there are a lot of crystals. ‘Cause that’ll make Hugh Jackman, the gayest straight guy in show business, seem less gay.

8:30- The show begins quite pompously, but it’s offset by a promotion for Diet Coke.

8:31- Hugh Jackman comes out looking oddly young. I’m expecting a really lame song-and-dance performance from ol’ Wolverine, but he starts with some jokes. Very Bruce Vilanche, with lots of bad economy jokes.

8:32- The singing begins. Fuck. Those jokes are looking pretty good right about now.

8:33- Jackman singing “It’s okay to be gay” makes him look even gayer than I already thought he was.

8:35- Now Anne Hathaway is singing. This just got significantly hotter.

8:38- It ended okay, but I don’t miss Jon Stewart any less.

8:39- Jackman is sitting on Frank Langella’s lap. Okay! He’s straight! I get it!

8:40- A steroid joke. How topical!

8:41- A montage of supporting actress winners. Are they going to do this for every award? If so, waste of time. Also, remember when Whoopi Goldberg won an Oscar? Insane! Now she’s coming out on stage with four fellow winners, which include Tilda Swinton, looking more like Thom Yorke than ever. And they’re describing all the performances in great detail. Which seems unnecessary and time-consuming at this stage of the game.

8:43- Okay, I’m rooting for either Penelope Cruz or Marisa Tomei. I’m pretty sure Cruz is gonna win. I could also deal with Amy Adams winning. She was quite good in Doubt and she’s probably the woman in that room that I am most attracted to.

8:48- Penelope Cruz wins and she gives a nice, sweet acceptance speech in both English and Spanish.

8:53- Steve Martin and Tina Fey come out to present. They’ve been working together a lot lately. They’re strained, but funny. And they present Best Original Screenplay, complete with selections from the scripts, which is actually pretty cool and well done.

8:56- Dustin Lance Black wins for Milk, which I was both expecting and rooting for. So, great. Black, as it turns out, is a really young guy and he seems cool. And openly gay, which makes sense. And might be why the screenplay felt so damn authentic.

8:58- Fey and Martin are back out for Adapted Screenplay. They’re funnier this time than they were before. Martin implores, “Don’t fall in love with me.” Awesome.

9:01- Simon Beaufoy wins for Slumdog Millionaire. And so it begins. Even the excerpt from that screenplay was annoying: “She stands a world away from him.” Meh.

9:03- Jack Black and Jennifer Aniston present Best Animated Feature, so we cut to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the audience, which is, perhaps, the tackiest thing I’ve ever seen. Jack Black makes an awesome joke about how Pixar wrecks Dreamworks at the Oscars every year. And he’s right, because they’re always better.

9:05- A clip montage of the Animated Features of the year. So we’re treated to clips from Star Wars: The Clone Wars and Space Chimps.

9:06- Wall-E wins. As it should be.

9:08- Black and Aniston are gonna go ahead and stay out to present Animated Short Film. I guess I’ll root for “Presto,” that one that was played in front of Wall-E.

9:09- The winner is “La Maison en Petits Cubes.” The director can’t really speak English. But, at the end, he says “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto,” which is fucking hilarious.

9:15- Every time Jackman comes out, the band seems to play a jazzy little number. It’s lamer than it probably sounds.

9:16- We’ve got Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker (who looks better than usual) announcing Best Art Direction. That jazzy number is still playing and now it’s getting downright irritating.

9:17- Benjamin Button wins, because it had to win something. And that’s a nice choice. It probably deserved this award above all others.

9:19- Parker and Craig stay out there to present Costume Design, and that jazz shit is back. Motherfuck!

9:21- The Duchess wins. I didn’t think they’d go with something that predictable, but fine. Whatever. I can’t be that pissed off about Costume Design.

9:22- Parker and Craig are back for Makeup and so is that jazz number. This is getting ridiculous, and they’re getting more screen time, at this point, than Hugh Jackman. Which might not be the worst thing in the world.

9:24- Benjamin Button wins over The Dark Knight, and I’m cool with that. They probably deserve this one as well. Brad Pitt looks oddly moved by this. Probably because he had to spend a shit-ton of time in that makeup chair.

9:25- Robert Pattinson from Twilight is on stage, but who cares? Amanda Seyfried is presenting with him, and I absolutely love her! (And she’s been great on Big Love so far this season). They present a clip show of great romances in film this year. So, lots of Slumdog and, quite hilariously, Ryan Reynolds in Definitely Maybe making an appearance at the Oscars. But I was particularly happy to see a couple of clips from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The whole thing is set to “Lovers In Japan,” by Coldplay, which is an okay song.

9:31- Ben Stiller, sporting a hilarious fake Joaquin Phoenix beard and sunglasses, comes out along with Natalie Portman to do Best Cinematography. Stiller is awesome and bizarrely accurate in his impersonation. Natalie Portman says, “You look like you came from a Hassidic Meth Lab,” which is also funny. Now, Stiller is just wandering around on stage. This is the highlight of my night so far.

9:35- Slumdog wins, and it must be asked: Just because a film is shot in a good-looking part of the world, does that mean the cinematography was great? This is a trap the Oscars often fall into, but Slumdog’s cinematography was actually pretty good, so I’m not overly pissed about this one.

9:36- I’m sick of looking at Danny Boyle and his yellow teeth.

9:38- Hey! Jessica Biel is presenting! Why?! Okay, they always get a random hot girl to present the technical awards. I guess it’s her this year. Jessica Alba might have done it last year. I vaguely remember that.

9:42- A Comedy montage kicking off with a hilarious Pineapple Express clip created directly for the Oscars! Awesome! This may be one of the funniest things I’ve ever watched. And Oscar-winning cinematographer Janusz Kaminski showed up, which is just strange.

9:45- Now, Seth Rogen, James Franco and Kaminski are presenting Best Live Action Short Film, and the winner is “Spielzeugland,” which sounds absolutely hilarious coming from the mouth of James Franco. And Rogen laughs at his pronunciation, which is even funnier. Wait a second. Why aren’t James Franco and Seth Rogen hosting the Academy Awards? Let’s start campaigning for next year, shall we?

9:52- “You’re probably wondering why I’m wearing this suit,” says Hugh Jackman. No, but you’re probably going to tell me. Apparently it’s because the musical is back. So Jackman is gonna give another singing/dancing performance, complete with tap dancing.

9:53- Oh, wait! Beyonce is joining him! Whoa! She’s becoming sort of ubiquitous, in a bad way. They’re singing a bunch of songs from classic musicals. The songs are good, but the performance is so ridiculous that I can’t even believe I’m watching it. But I guess I’m really not. I’m using this time to type and pretend it isn’t actually happening. So hey guys. Keep me occupied here okay. Oh! I just got a text! Score!

9:55- Oh, just what we needed: A brief reprise of Beyonce’s “At Last” inauguration party performance. But Amanda Seyfried just showed up, so it got a little bit better, but still not really tolerable. And Zac Efron’s hat fell off when he bowed again. Nice.

10:01- A pretty predictable clip show of supporting actor winners pops up. Oh, what a surprise. “Show me the money!” Jack Palance doing a one-armed push-up! Yay! And it looks like Christopher Walken is here to present, along with other cool guys like Alan Arkin, Joel Grey and Kevin Kline. And Cuba Gooding Jr. is there, snubbed last year for Daddy Day Camp. Wait, Alan Arkin just said, “Seymour Phillip Hoffman.” Awkward!

10:07- Kevin Kline’s tribute to Heath Ledger is actually quite moving. And Ledger, deservedly, wins his posthumous Oscar for a truly remarkable performance. And, on a personal note, a comic book film just won a major award, so that is a milestone I am very happy with. Ledger’s family comes up to accept the award, which is genuinely sweet, and a little bit heartbreaking.

10:11- A Documentary montage, featuring Werner Herzog being bad-ass, just like always.

10:13- Bill Maher is here to present the Documentary award to something other than Religulous. And that something is Man On Wire, the only one of these films I actually saw. It was totally awesome though, so I’m happy with this. Also, the Man on the Wire just did a disappearing-coin magic trick and balanced his Oscar on his face. It just got even more awesome.

10:17- Documentary Short Subject, and we’re still with Maher. The winner is called Smile Pinki, which is an adorable name. Is the film about a bunch of kittens rolling around in a blow-up swimming pool? I hope so. But, no. It’s about children with clefts. That’s really, really different.

10:22- Jackman introduces a montage of this year’s action movies. So we get to see Speed Racer and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Empire one last time.

10:25- Will Smith comes out to the Dark Knight music because we’ve already forgotten Hancock. He’s here to present Best Visual Effects, and the award goes to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. So that’s another thing it has in common with Forrest Gump.

10:28- Will Smith also presents Outstanding Sound Editing, but takes uncomfortably long in figuring out how to say the word “Outstanding.” Dark Knight wins. Awesome.

10:30- Smith is back for Sound Mixing. I’m kind of done with this guy. I just can’t stand his schtick anymore. And he still sounds like The Fresh Prince to me. Slumdog Millionaire wins. Fine.

10:33- Danny Boyle’s maniacal smile leads me to believe he would be a wonderful Joker in the next Batman film.

10:34- Why the fuck is Will Smith still on the fucking screen? Christ! Anyway, he’s presenting Editing. Slumdog Millionaire’s editing was actually one of the only truly impressive things about that film, so it’ll probably win. And it does. The editor, charmingly, is an insanely white (albino?) guy who seems as though he’s never been to India, despite his claims.

10:37- After the break, there’s going to be a tribute to Jerry Lewis. I may or may not take this time to go online and see if that Rogen/Franco/Kaminski clip is up anywhere yet.

10:41- Eddie Murphy opens up the proceedings for the humanitarian award that Jerry Lewis is getting. Also, second Coldplay song of the night as “Viva La Vida” plays over the annoying Jerry Lewis montage. I’m actually watching a montage of clips from Jerry Lewis telethons right now. What the fuck is going on?

10:44- Jerry comes out to accept his award and gets a standing ovation. Maybe it’s just because I’m young, but really? Why? Because all the winners of this award do? Also, did Jerry have a stroke at some point? He’s sounding a little stroke-y. But better than Dick Clark, and his speech is short and very gracious. Maybe I’ve been too hard on the Nutty Professor.

10:50- The Academy Award Orchestra (led by Lost composer Michael Giacchino) does selections from the nominated Scores. This is actually wonderful, and really calls attention to the losers. Slumdog sounded especially good in this setting.

10:53- Zac Efron and Alicia Keys come out for some reason and present the Score category. A.R. Rahman wins for his truly great Slumdog Millionaire score. Now the Academy just needs to STOP giving this film awards. Immediately.

10:55- Uh-oh. Here come the Best Song performances and we don’t even get to see Bruce Springsteen perform his incredible and moving “The Wrestler” because it is, inexplicably, not nominated. Instead, A.R. Rahman is back out performing “O…Saya” with a bunch of back-up dancers. Lame.

10:57- John Legend is performing “Down To Earth,” the Peter Gabriel song from Wall-E. It breaks up the two Slumdog songs quite nicely, but the song is incredibly lame outside of the context of the film it was written for.

10:59- And now, here is “Jai Ho,” the song from that horrible, horrible Bollywood dance sequence from the end of Slumdog. This song is actually better outside of the context of its film, and it’s probably going to win, because it’s so easily identified with the film. Insanely, John Legend comes back at the end to sing the chorus of “Down To Earth” to the tune of “Jai Ho.” Odd.

11:00- “Jai Ho,” predictably, wins. But, in my heart, The Boss is up there.

11:05- Liam Neeson comes out with the finest of the Slumdog ladies (Frida Pinto? Is that her name?). They’re rocking the Foreign Film category. The only nominee I’ve seen is Waltz With Bashir, which was great, but Departures wins, which is a Japanese film that looks quite interesting. The director is “berry, berry happy,” which is adorable.

11:10- Queen Latifah is here. Remember All Hail The Queen? I totally miss those days. I don’t really care about the Queen anymore. Especially now that she’s crooning a song over the “In Memoriam” reel and doing a very mediocre job.

11:12- Bummer. Bernie Mac and Michael Crichton are dead. And Pat Hingle, the old Commisioner Gordon. And Charles Joffe, Woody Allen’s old producer. And Roy Scheider, our erstwhile sheriff. And, oh, there’s Isaac Hayes, the best Chef ever, and Ricardo Montalban. Khaaaaan! The guy who wrote Rear Window died. Whoa. And there’s the amazing Mr. Heston. And Anthony Minghella, who gave us The Talented Mr. Ripley. And, finally, there’s Mr. Paul Newman. But, if I may say, this was a horribly produced segment, not up to the usual standard of the Oscars. Queen Latifah was horribly tacky and they kept the camera away from the screen that was showing the departed folks. That sucked, Oscars. Worst moment of the night, even beating Beyonce and Hugh Jackman singing “Mamma Mia.” Get your shit together, dicks.

11:18- The President of the Academy stands up in the audience and, thankfully, does not give a speech.

11:19- Reese Witherspoon is here to give out the Best Director award. Please no Danny Boyle, please no Danny Boyle. I’m hoping for either Gus Van Sant or David Fincher.

11:20- FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Danny Boyle comes up to accept his award for Slumdog Millionaire. He’s a sweet guy and a talented filmmaker, and he gives a good speech here. But he does not deserve this award. No way, no how.

11:25- A Best Actress winner montage, and some actresses come out. I’m not a Nicole Kidman or Halle Berry fan, but the other three are damn good actresses. Shirley Maclaine, Marion Cotillard (looking beautiful) and Sophia Loren (looking like a monster) are all good to see up there. I’m gonna go ahead and root for Hathaway and Mery Streep because they gave the two best female performances of the year.

11:32- Kate Winslet wins and I’m incredibly happy that she now has an Oscar in her possession because she may be the finest actress in the world right now. But did it really have to be for The Reader? It was one of her weaker performances in one of her weaker films. But, whatever, man. She should have won years ago so I’m very pleased with this. Also, she asked her dad to whistle so she knew where he was and he did so, which was a very sweet moment.

11:37- Our Best Actor presenters are Robert Deniro, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody and Michael Douglas. It’s a terribly fine collection of actors. Also, why the fuck is Michael Douglas playing a ghost in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past with Matthew McConaghuey? Deniro is particularly awesome in this setting. So, Penn or Rourke better win. And I’d be totally, totally cool with either one.

11:43- After those speeches, I’m slightly bummed that Mickey Rourke didn’t win. Instead, Sean Penn wins for his absolutely stunning performance as Harvey Milk. The man is a genius and he completely deserves this Oscar. And he keeps calling people “Commie, homo-loving sons of guns,” which rules. He ends the speech with a scathing indictment of those who voted against gay marriage. Because of the film he is winning for, this does not seem out-of-place and annoying, but appropriate and sad. He finishes up calling Mickey Rourke his “brother,” which is sweet.

11:47- Hey kids! It’s Steven Spielberg!

11:49- Oh my god. A film that uses Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? as its framing sequence is about to win Best Picture at the Oscars, isn’t it?

11:52- Yup. Slumdog Millionaire is the best picture of the year. So who really gives a shit anymore?

Tags: oscars diary slumdog millionaire
February 22, 2009 at 11:56pm ∞

by Daniel Erenberg

“Not Fair,” the third track on Lily Allen’s new album, represents everything that is great about her as an artist. It’s a break-up song about a guy who is perfect in every way, with the apparently massive exception that he’s terrible in bed. The lyrics are cutting and laugh-out-loud funny, calling attention to those aspects of relationships that no one really talks about aloud. And, importantly, Allen never comes across mean or unreasonable. She’s just unsatisfied and just about ready to call it quits. Meanwhile, the music, co-composed by Greg Kurstin, half of the pop duo The Bird & the Bee, is an exhilarating cut-time jig, punctuated by spaghetti-western guitar bends and mechanical drumming. The best verse I’ve heard this year so far must be: “Oh I lie here in the wet patch/ In the middle of the bed/ I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by/ I spent ages giving head/ Then I remember all the nice things that you ever said to me/ Maybe I’m just overreacting, maybe you’re the one for me.”

When Allen concentrates on marrying these sharp personal narratives to innovative pop music, she’s absolutely brilliant. But, on It’s Not Me, It’s You, Allen is feeling a bit headier than last time out. She’s worried about fame and drugs and George W. Bush and religion. And that’s where the album has huge faults. The worst offender is “Him,” one of those “What if God was one of us” rants that pop stars always think will be a profound statement, but come out sounding like total bullshit (“Do you think he’d drive in his car without insurance/ Now is he interesting or do you think he’d bore us?”). There’s even a few sentiments cribbed from the Bright Eyes rant “When The President Talks to God.” Allen has her own Bush rant on this record, entitled “Fuck You.” Musically, it’s one of the more interesting tracks on the album, with its ironically sunny piano part and bombastic chorus. When Allen gets down to the chorus, devolving into a passionate “Fuck you very, very much,” the song becomes one of the best things she’s written, but the lyrics in the verses are the typical musings of someone who has learned everything he or she knows about politics from The Daily Show (“So you say it’s not OK to be gay, well I think you’re evil”).

Finally, while Kurstin’s musical choices are usually exhilarating (as on the club-friendly “Everyone’s At It” or the polka of “Never Gonna Happen”) he too often succumbs to a mainstream radio-friendly sheen that doesn’t service the songs in the same way that Mark Ronson’s experimental pop of Allen’s first record did. “I Could Say” and “Who’d Have Known” are flat-out boring, and Lily Allen albums should be anything but boring. But, when this album reaches its heights, it’s about as great as mainstream pop music can be. “Not Fair” is my anthem of the year so far and, I suspect, shall remain so for months to come.

B

Tags: lily allen pop music greg kurstin
February 17, 2009 at 6:29pm ∞

by Daniel Erenberg

I’ve been very reluctant to review the Dollhouse pilot since it aired on Friday. Since the launch of Slow Century Magazine, it’s the only thing that people have actually requested I write about. In fact, friends of mine have asked me to review each episode individually, which is something I haven’t done with anything yet. You have to understand. As I’ve stated elsewhere on the site, part of my background comes in Joss Whedon studies. I wrote my undergraduate thesis about the use of foreshadowing in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Indeed, I wrote a weekly column for three years over at Slayage.com, which has been cited in multiple published books about Buffy and Angel. So now here is Dollhouse, the first new Whedon show since Firefly got cancelled back in December of ’03. I have high hopes for it, and I still do after watching the pilot. But Joss Whedon shows are always slow starters, stumbling out of the gate before becoming the masterpieces you can see at their cores.

The bones of Dollhouse are great. Whedon sets up the world of the show beautifully in the pilot. Whedon regular (and Dollhouse producer) Eliza Dushku plays Echo, a “doll” in the Dollhouse of the title, which is a covert operation that completes “experiences” for its willing clients. In the pilot, Echo must become a hostage negotiator. Next week, she’s the perfect girlfriend. To complete these missions, the Dollhouse and, more specifically, its tech guy Topher (an engaging and darkly funny Fran Kranz) put memory and skill implants into the heads of the “dolls.” It’s a complex premise, but Whedon sets it up for the viewer easily, without it seeming too silly or complicated.

The supporting cast is beautifully assembled, especially the addition of Battlestar Galactica’s Tahmoh Penikett as FBI agent Paul Ballard, who is investigating the Dollhouse. With Echo’s memory getting wiped in every episode, he’s really the character that the audience can root for. After all, what the Dollhouse is doing for its clients is questionable at best, and what it’s doing to its employees is simply monstrous. Boyd Langdon (Harry Lennix) is also a helpful character to the audience because he is the only Dollhouse employee that actually seems troubled by what he is taking part in.

The Dollhouse pilot is given the unenviable task of setting up the universe of the show, introducing the cast satisfactorily, sending Echo on a mission-of-the-week and introducing a new Doll, the bad-ass Sierra. Somehow, it manages this, but the weak link is the mission. As audiences grow tired of serialized shows, creators of complex narratives seem to be retreating to an episode-by-episode structure (J.J. Abrams on Fringe or Amy Sherman-Palladino on last year’s The Return of Jezebel James to name a couple off the top of my head), and Dollhouse is not an exception. Now, Whedon is historically great at this. A lot of the most memorable episodes of Buffy and Angel were those special one-off experiments like “Restless” (the dream one), “Hush” (the silent one), “Once More With Feeling” (the musical one) or “Smile Time” (the puppet one). This premise allows Whedon to run completely wild, but “Ghost” is stuck with an establishing exercise, a boring kidnapping case better suited for something like Law and Order or NCIS.  I never connected to the case, and spent every moment longing for a check-in on what was going on back at the Dollhouse.

Another problem right off the bat, it must be said, is Dushku. Her acting range is, shall we say, questionable and her performance in this episode was somewhat uninspiring. As the constantly re-imagined Echo, Dushku is required to play a different character every week. Back in the Buffy days, Whedon had her character switch minds with Buffy (in the “This Year’s Girl”/”Who Are You” two-parter), but, while Sarah Michelle Gellar was incredibly impressive playing Eliza Dushku, Dushku was never that convincing. And, as a hostage negotiator here, she just seems like Eliza Dushku in glasses.

That being said, it’s a Joss Whedon show, and it’s on television. Because of this, I am a horrible person to be reviewing this because I couldn’t be happier.

B+

Tags: joss whedon dollhouse eliza dushku
February 17, 2009 at 5:40pm ∞

by Danielle Berg

MTV’s The City is the television show you don’t admit you watch, unless you’re watching to be ironic, or to stay updated on The Cut’s hilarious recaps. I watch it. But I’m not doing it (primarily) for the reasons above. I’m watching it for the same reasons we fall in love with slightly less attractive, less intelligent versions of our greatest loves; why we order the same dish at a restaurant even though it’s changed owners and our Curry Supreme will never be as good. I’m watching it to bring back My So-Called Life.

Some of the elements are already there, but some have a little way to go. I’ve compiled a guide to help The City become more like one of the greatest television series of the ’90s.

Whitney: B

You’re searching for yourself, and that’s good. Angela Chase might have found herself by this point, in her twenties, but she was middle class, living in Pittsburgh, and people brought guns to her high school. It’s okay: you were sheltered, and we understand that it’ll take you a little longer.

Suggestions for improvement:

- Start writing stories about being a sleeping girl in a gingerbread house.

- Your voiceovers leave room for improvement. Instead of, “Of all the people I’ve met in New York, Olivia is definitely the most opinionated,” try something like, “Olivia is, like, so opinionated. Anyway, I, like, totally love Jay. When he’s nearby, my whole body knows it.”

- A good way to find yourself is to dye your hair red. “Crimson Glow” worked really well for Angela. Not sure if they still carry that, though.

Jay: B+

Well done. You’re the 20^th century Jordan Catalano. No longer living in the decade of grunge, you wear very tight jeans and bright sunglasses. Just like Jordan, you’re very cute until you talk, and you’re in a sub-par band. If there were a basement boiler room somewhere, you’d have taken Whitney there to make out.

Suggestions for improvement:

- Admit that you can’t read. It will make you a more complicated character, and make some of your less supportive viewers feel bad for you.

- Make a friend whom you talk about all the time, but the audience never sees.

Erin: A-

Just like Sharon, you’re genuinely a good best friend. Also, you’re promiscuous. Keep up the good work!

Olivia: C+

You’re the best candidate for Rayanne Graff’s role, but you have a long way to go. Like Rayanne, you’re visibly jealous of Whitney’s life; but Rayanne liked Angela, and while you do a decent job of pretending to like Whitney, we need you to really like her. The good thing is, you have a male sidekick who is (pretending not to be) gay, and like Angela’s, your hair is long and wavy.

Suggestions for improvement:

- Rayanne had a really bad drinking problem. We don’t want you to have a drinking problem, too, because that would be awful; but some kind of really deep, serious secret issue that makes you rely on Whitney will make you a more sympathetic character (like Jay, after revealing his inability to read), while highlighting Whitney’s role as the metaphorical angel.

- Fans are already predicting this: you’ll have to hook up with Jay. It will hurt Whitney very badly, but she keeps talking about whether she can trust you, and this will finally give her an answer.

Nevan: D

The only thing you’ve done right so far is hang out with your cousin, Olivia. Ricky Vasquez is loveable and ponderous. You are loathsome and pompous.

Suggestions for improvement:

- We’re all confused that you’re heterosexual. If you are, there’s nothing wrong with that, but please stop talking about girls so we can at least pretend you’re gay. This will work, because for the most part, Ricky only alluded to being “different,” and we don’t really need a solid answer here.

- Stop being a bitch. Ricky was nothing but adorable, at all times.

Also, we need a Brian Krakow. Alex from episode two seemed like he might work, but he was a model, and that’s not very Brian. That accountant who worked at DVF and took Whitney on a date was a better option, but he hasn’t returned since. Ideally, we need casting to locate the nerdy boy who grew up with Whitney and lived across the street. And do it soon, because Jay really needs a foil who’s not Adam.

Tags: mtv the city my so-called life
February 16, 2009 at 12:55pm ∞

by Daniel Erenberg

With Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse set to premiere this Friday night, it must finally be said and agreed upon that Friday is currently the best night of the week for TV. After all, NBC and Sci-Fi are airing near-perfect seasons of Friday Night Lights and Battlestar Galactica, respectfully, and FOX is working hard to create a Geek brand on Friday nights by pairing Dollhouse with Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Of course, how long are these shows for the world? Friday night has now been a historically great night for quality TV, but most of the shows I’m thinking of are long-cancelled and forgotten by everyone who doesn’t own one of those depressing “Complete Series” DVD sets that never have endings.

In the lead-up to the Dollhouse premiere, FOX has attempted to assuage fan fear of cancellation by referring to The X-Files, a similarly cult-based show which premiered successfully on Friday nights in 1993 before moving to Sundays and becoming a phenomenon. Unfortunately, 1993 was a different time in TV history, when Friday time slots were still looked upon as perfectly viable. Probably the most successful show on Fridays right now is the Jennifer Love Hewitt vehicle Ghost Whisperer, which hit a season high 9 million viewers recently. This is very big for a Friday night audience and a lot of the networks will have you believe that it is because it is a Friday night Sci-Fi/Fantasy show and geeks stay home on Friday nights because they are all sad bastards who would rather watch Battlestar than get laid. Now, while this is true of me, it’s an untrue stereotype. And the networks have given us this schtick before. Remember Firefly, the last Whedon cancellation? Remember CBS’ Threshold, that promising alien invasion series starring Carla Gugino and Peter Dinklage? Remember those non-Files Chris Carter shows, Harsh Realm, The Lone Gunmen and Millennium, all of which premiered on Fridays and were swiftly cancelled? How about Bruce Campbell’s The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. or James Cameron’s Dark Angel or Mike White’s Pasadena? The list is just endless. So why should Dollhouse be any different?

Last year, NBC placed the struggling-but-brilliant Friday Night Lights on Fridays amidst much fanfare. Remember those commercials? “Friday Night Lights is finally where it belongs. On Fridays!” Typical network spin. Do they really not think they’re dropping that show off on Friday night so it could die quietly? Joss Whedon responds to the Dollhouse appointment thusly:

“You know, I feel fine about it. I know that it has a bad reputation. But so do the executives who built the sort of Terminator/Dollhouse entity, and they’ve been very up-front about a different expectation about audience numbers and slow growth. I think that they get—in a way that they really didn’t back in the days of Firefly—that genre is … something where a small group embraces it, and then it bleeds out.”

Either Joss Whedon is seriously deluding himself or he’s terrific at spinning network bullshit even further. Maybe part of that is true. If Dollhouse gets over a 4 rating, it might be considered a success. But it probably won’t. The appointment seems even harsher after the originally announced timeslot of Mondays at 8, one of the most high-profile slots you can get. But I guess FOX thought 24 and House needed an even bigger boost. I get that it’s business, but why develop interesting shows only to watch them disappear as quickly as they were produced?

You know who has it right, yet again? Cable. AMC, HBO and Showtime throw their new shows at the screen on Sunday nights and it isn’t a coincidence that they rarely have out-and-out failures. Those young, edgy viewers in the 18-49 demographic that the networks so clearly covet are going out on Friday nights. It’s why the Firefly and, indeed, Friday Night Lights DVDs have sold so well. They don’t mind waiting. But they’re home on Sunday nights getting ready for their work week. So they’re gonna watch Mad Men and Breaking Bad and Dexter and Big Love and Flight of the Conchords. And FOX knows it. That’s why The Simpsons and Family Guy are still on Sunday nights, and that’s why The X-Files was moved there ever so long ago. So, as excited as I am about it (and it really is the only thing in my life that has any meaning right now, hence my frustration), Dollhouse will probably not be on the 2009-2010 schedule and I’m gonna have another “Complete Series” DVD on my Joss Whedon shelf to keep Firefly company.

In Memoriam:

Pasadena. Sadly, yet to get a DVD collection.

Sad, sad, sad. Any Friday-Night brilliant-but-cancelled I left out? Post your memories in the comments section. And just remember: Freaks and Geeks got fucked harder than all of these. That show was dropped off on Saturday nights. The ultimate insult.

Tags: brilliant but cancelled friday nights dvd complete series
February 12, 2009 at 2:43pm ∞

by Daniel Erenberg

Comic books will never be understood by mainstream audiences, and it’s all the fault of the comic book companies. Here, Marvel have a wonderful new book, written by the interesting indie creator Jonathan Hickman, doing his first mainstream comic book work, co-plotted by superstar writer Brian Michael Bendis and penciled beautifully by rising star Stefano Caselli. But, if a single non-obsessive, ordinary human being were to pick up this book, they’d be completely lost. I can barely explain the origin of this comic without getting dead-eyed stares from laymen.

Secret Warriors, as a concept, was introduced last summer during the big Secret Invasion crossover event. Its main cast was seen getting recruited by former S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury in two random issues of Mighty Avengers, a Bendis-written Avengers book. The main characters of that comic were not in these two issues. It was just sort of taken over by the Secret Warriors characters for a couple months while the Avengers were fighting the alien Skrulls in Secret Invasion. The concept of the book, which continues in the main title, whose first issue this is supposed to be a review of, is that Nick Fury, on the run from the United States Government and with a completely disintegrated trust in the men in power, recruits a new team using what are called Caterpillar Files—basically a database of young, powered individuals yet to be snatched up by the government. Bendis created all of these new characters and set them up masterfully in the Mighty Avengers issues in which they were introduced. Hickman manages to continue that trend here. He’s an untested writer that Marvel has already shown their confidence in, having assigned him the post of Fantastic Four writer, following Mark Millar’s best-selling run on the book. We’re gonna see a lot more of this guy and that is most definitely a good thing. His character work is spot-on. You can really hear the different voices of these characters rattling off the page. He also handles the brief action sequence arguably better than Bendis would have if he were scripting here.

If this issue was actually the third issue of the ongoing series, following those two Bendis-scripted issues of Mighty Avengers, this could be an accessible, exciting read. I would be recommending the shit out of this to everyone who would listen. Unfortunately, if you aren’t a Mighty Avengers reader, you’re probably not gonna understand what the hell is going on in this thing. And that’s a shame, because Marvel has something really great here.

A-

Tags: bendis secret warriors marvel nick fury
February 11, 2009 at 12:23am ∞

by Daniel Erenberg

It was impossible for me to be too depressed today, because I was about to see two of my three modern TV idols in person. I feel as though Joss Whedon, Josh Schwartz and J.J. Abrams are at the top of the heap in terms of TV writing these days (I’m gonna go ahead and wait until Matthew Weiner’s follow-up to Mad Men to add him to this list). Abrams wasn’t going to be attending the con this year—though I was psyched for the panel for his new show, Fringe—but Whedon was there to promote his new one, Dollhouse, and Schwartz was in attendance to talk about his sophomore season slump-defying Chuck.

Chuck was first up on my list, which I was very excited about, but on my way to the panel, I passed by the line for the Dollhouse panel, which was already ridiculously long even two and a half hours before its scheduled start time. This made me nervous, but not nervous to pass up Chuck. The panel started with a long, spoiler-laden exclusive trailer for the second half of the current second season of the show, and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to dip in quality any time soon. The action was kinetic, the laughter by the audience members at the jokes was completely genuine and the dialogue was in top form in the short clips we saw. Chuck was the first Josh Schwartz show that I was able to get into because I dismissed his other two as shallow crap sight unseen. But I spent the better part of August watching the entirety of The O.C. which is probably the best teen show since Freaks and Geeks, by the way, and was able to catch up on Gossip Girl on DVD before the second season began. Schwartz is three for three in my mind, so I was very excited to see him at this panel. He came with Chuck co-creator Chris Fedak and lead actress Yvonne Strahovsky, who might be the most beautiful human being I’ve ever laid eyes upon in real life. It relieved me to hear the three of them so confident that the fledgling show would be renewed for a third season, and it was nice to see fans fill up one of the bigger conference rooms in support of it. In fact, the fans seemed pretty obsessive, which made me happy, as I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one. At the end of the panel, a teenage girl who was sitting in front of me went up to Schwartz with a poster of “Atomic County,” a fictional comic book that was set up on The O.C. Schwartz’s eyes lit up and he signed it immediately. Watching that was the happiest moment of my con experience.

Until I got into the Dollhouse panel and Joss Whedon came out. Now, you have to understand. I’m pretty nuts about Joss Whedon. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my favorite television show of all time, the fourth season of Angel is, in my opinion, as good as a full season can get, I went to see Serenity three times the day it came out and I’ve watched the entireties of all three of his series more times than I care to admit. But wait. There’s more. My first internet writing gig was as a weekly columnist for Joss Whedon fansite, Slayage.com, I’ve been cited in books about Buffy and Angel by Keith Topping and Nikki Stafford, and my undergraduate thesis was called “From Dusk ‘Til Dawn: Foreshadowing in the Buffyverse.” So I guess you can say I’m pretty excited about Dollhouse. Well, Whedon brought the first act of the pilot to Comic Con, and it’s good. Not great yet, but good. Whedon’s shows are almost always growers, but this one is off to a pretty good start. There’s a bit of a cheesy dance/motorcycling sequence, but the exposition is intriguing, the characters are already well-defined, and there’s loads of metaphorical subtext, something Whedon is the best at. The show is about a place called The Dollhouse, which employs human beings that are programmed to perform specific experiences for the company’s clients. After these “experiences” are finished, the minds of the “dolls” are wiped completely clean. But one such “doll,” named Echo (Eliza Dushku) begins to remember things. It’s sort of a bleak concept for a show, so much so that it can really be looked at as a metaphor for human trafficking. Whedon also says it’s been called both a feminist perspective of a woman fighting to discover herself and a misogynist’s biggest fantasy, and that this debate is warranted and intentional. Dollhouse is ambitious and on Friday nights and created by Joss Whedon, so don’t expect it to last too long. But do expect it to be damn good. “I’m such a bitter, sad man,” Whedon told the crowd. “And this is my bitter, sad show. Welcome to it!”

After Joss was done (plus actor Tahmoh Penikett, who you may know as Helo from Battlestar Galactica, but who I barely noticed because I’m too obsessed with Joss Whedon), the entire cast of Fringe took the stage, along with writer Jeff Pinkner. The cast was animated and well-spoken, particularly the surprisingly charming Anna Torv, who is much more captivating in person than she is in the show. Wire actor Lance Reddick endeared himself to me forever by admitting that he is a big Ultimate Spider-Man fan, and Joshua Jackson responded to three Mighty Ducks references with well-timed quips about Gordon Bombay and the legendary triple-deke. Fringe has turned into quite a strong little show, so it was great to see the auditorium remain full following the Dollhouse panel.

After Fringe I walked over to the Life On Mars panel but it was too depressing because only about a quarter of the room was full, and everyone seemed to be milling about during a screening of this week’s new episode. It was awkward, so I left. And that was the last thing I cared about, so I left the Jacob Javits Center entirely. On my way home, I saw Bill Hader on the street. I later found out that he was at Comic Con today to announce a new Spider-Man comic that he is co-writing with Saturday Night Live head writer Seth Meyers.

I like Comic Book Conventions. It’s a place where awkwardness and lack of social skills just aren’t noticed or given a second thought. It’s accepted and even encouraged. I think every attendee has been picked on at one point or another. But no one gets picked on at Comic Con. We just geek out for three days. And what could be better than that?

Tags: geeks new york comic con dollhouse
February 8, 2009 at 11:35pm ∞

by Daniel Erenberg

Like the middle chapter of most trilogies, the second day of Comic Con felt a bit like filler, killing time until the grand conclusion. I woke up in better spirits this morning (though still not great) and walked over to the Javits Center with my head held medium-high. There were only two Saturday panels that I really gave a shit about and those were Cup O’ Joe, a regular Comic Con affair, which is, basically, just a chance to listen to Marvel Comics Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada answer fan questions, and a spotlight panel about J. Michael Straczynski, the creator of Babylon 5 and a guy whose comic career has included excellent runs on Thor and The Amazing Spider-Man.

When I got to the con, I went straight to the Cup O’ Joe panel and was pleased that Quesada wasn’t the only man on stage. Marketing guru Jim McCann was, of course, there. He’s been ever-present at Marvel panels for quite some time now. He’s aware of all the goings-on at Marvel and can usually answer questions other panelists cannot. He’s also charmingly flamboyant and frequently makes references to Disco-era superhero, Dazzler. In addition to McCann, Publisher Dan Buckley was there to answer business-related questions, Talent Manager/Writer C.B. Cebulski (X-Infernus) showed up quietly and writer Brian Michael Bendis was there for snark and swearing. The very large conference room was filled to capacity and it was a wonderful panel, even if Bendis probably ended up answering more questions than Quesada did. The one big reveal at this panel was a sort of re-jiggering of the Ultimate line of books, with Ultimate X-Men and Ultimate Fantastic Four getting cancelled and the line getting cut down to four books with all-new first issues. Bendis remains on Ultimate Spider-Man with new artist David LaFuente, who did some beautiful work on the most recent Ultimate Spider-Man Annual, Mark Millar will return to the Ultimate Universe to launch Ultimate Avengers, with the always reliable Carlos Pacheco on art, and Jeph Loeb will stay on for a new volume of The Ultimates. The fourth book has not been announced yet. I’m geeking out about this as I’ve been fairly obsessed with the Ultimate line for years but, with the exception of the consistently brilliant Ultimate Spider-Man, it’s been in dire need of a reboot for quite some time now.

When I left Cup O’ Joe, I went up to the floor for a bit to see what sort of inexplicable music Marvel had playing in their booth. This time, it was “Bombs Over Baghdad,” by OutKast. Hm. Then I began to casually girl-watch a bit, but every remotely good-looking girl at Comic Con seemed to just be there to accompany her much nerdier boyfriend. I did see one cute girl dressed as Mary Marvel, but then I remembered that I’d seen her last year and she was also dressed like Mary Marvel then. And do I really want to be with someone who will continuously dress like Mary Marvel? Wait. Now I’m second-guessing myself. Anyway, there’s a lot to perv out to at Comic Con this year. I’m a 22 year-old male geek. I can’t help but get a little turned on by a somewhat good-looking girl dressed as Poison Ivy or Black Canary. What can I say? I’m unapologetic.

When I went back down to search for the Straczynski panel, I was told that it was cancelled due to Straczynski’s nomination for a British Academy Award for his work writing Changeling (which, by the way, wasn’t nearly as good as the comic book maxi-series he began this year, The Twelve). So, I decided to go to the DC Universe panel, which turned out to be fairly fun. There was a ridiculous line, which security kept kicking people off of, and I overheard these three super-geeks talking about how they’d like to perform an actual crucifixion on Grant Morrison for his work writing the awful event mini-series Final Crisis, which just ended last week. Then, the panel mostly focused on the aftermath of Final Crisis. They even had a timeline chart to try to explain just what the fuck was going on in the unholy mess that was Final Crisis. But, oh well. It didn’t really illuminate much to me. But Flash: Rebirth, by Geoff Johns, sounded like fun, so I’ll probably pick that up.

After my last panel of the day I decided to just wander the floor for a bit. I stopped by the bootleg stand where I bought the complete series of Daria last year and this year I considered picking up both Karen Sisco (an underrated gem, starring Carla Gugino) and Rocko’s Modern Life before moving on. There was a big T-Shirt booth and I’m a T-Shirt whore so I ended up buying four: a Fantastic Four shirt, an X-Men shirt with a “Danger Room” warning on it, a Serenity shirt and an X-Files shirt with Fox Mulder’s “I Want To Believe” poster emblazoned across it. So day two actually turned out pretty successful. Day three should be even more fun, because it’s the big TV day. I’m gonna try to hit the panels for Chuck, Dollhouse, Fringe and Life On Mars before the end of the day. And I may even go back and pick up Rocko because it’s kind of been calling to me the past couple of hours.

More tomorrow…

Tags: comics geeks new york comic con
February 8, 2009 at 12:46am ∞

by Daniel Erenberg

For the second straight year, your intrepid reporter is going through a breakup during the New York Comic Con. So, for the second straight year, going into the Jacob Javits Center, I wasn’t excited. I was depressed. And not only about the breakup, mind you. Something sort of personal that had been building up for the last couple weeks came to a strong head this morning. So, on the way to the convention center, alternating between The Blow, Modest Mouse and The White Stripes on my iPod, I decided, “Fuck life.” It’s comics time.

Unfortunately, when I got to the Javits center, I thought it was the wrong day altogether. The huge sign out in front read, “New York Times Travel Convention.” I was stumped, but I went in anyway. It took me about a half hour to finally find the Press Room and, by this point, I was even more pissed off than I had been already. This was also causing me to be annoyed by the awkward fanboys walking about dressed as their favorite superheroes, something I’m usually quite charmed by. But I guess I learned that when I’m in a bad mood, a Green Lantern with back acne is not going to cheer me up. Dammit. Maybe a trip to the con floor would do the trick.

I first stopped at the Marvel Comics booth because I used to work there and I wanted to see if I could find anyone I knew. Alas, it was all new interns that I wasn’t familiar with. The odd thing about the Marvel booth, which is unlike any of the other comic companies’ booths, is that they blast music. And the music is odd. The first time I went around, I heard “No One,” by Alicia Keys. Later in the day, it was a cover of “The Boys Are Back In Town,” by Everclear. This just confused me. Who picked this music? I must know!

Next up was the DC Comics booth, which was a much more satisfying time, because amidst all the creators signing books, Green Arrow and Black Canary artist Mike Norton was sitting there with no line in front of him. I dig the dude’s work, so I walked over and told him that, engaged him in a conversation about previous Green Arrow artists (notably, Phil Hester), and had him sign my program. Things were looking up. Finally. Now how about a panel?

The first panel of the day that I wanted to sit through was called “Superman: Building A Better World.” Unfortunately, in trying to get to the panel, I accidentally walked to the wrong part of the building and nearly entered a panel called “Focus On Africa,” from the stupid New York Times thing. When I finally found the correct room, just to make sure I knew where I was, I asked an attendee called Alex Clabering and he confirmed to me that I was, in fact, in the right place. “Why else would I be here?” he asked. I didn’t quite know what to say to that, but he kept talking anyway. About Superman, fittingly. He tried to explain to me the histories of the Nightwing and Flamebird characters who are taking over for Superman in Greg Rucka’s Action Comics, but I still didn’t get it. The panel started late because of sound issues, and when they started, only one mic was working. Great start!

The panelists were Geoff Johns (writer, Adventure Comics and Superman: Secret Origin), Rucka, James Robinson (writer, Superman), Jamal Igle (artist, Supergirl), Sterling Gates (writer, Supergirl) and Matt Idelson (senior editor). The panel was sort of somber and sparsely attended. I assume this had something to do with the recent end of the big DC event comic, Final Crisis, which was not well-received by fans. Mostly because it was a steaming pile of shit. (When one fan said, “I love Final Crisis,” one of the panelists replied, “You’re the one guy!”) The reason I was excited for this panel, though, was the recent finale of the Superman crossover, “New Krypton,” which got me more excited about reading Superman than I’ve been since I was a kid. This series resulted in the creation of a new planet called New Krypton, which is entirely populated by Kryptonians from the bottle city of Kandor. This may not make sense to you, but it opens up some very series questions for Superman. At the end of the day, is he Clark Kent: American, or is he Kal-El: Kryptonian? It’s an interesting thought that will be explored this year in the maxi-series, “World of New Krypton,” by Rucka and Robinson. Weirdly, Superman’s presence in that series means that he won’t be appearing very much in Superman or Action Comics. Some fans at the panel seemed dubious about this prospect, but it excites and fascinates me. My favorite panelist here was the very droll Robinson, who gave the finger to those same dubious fans.

My next panel was Marvel’s X-Men panel, which was packed to the brim with panelists and fans alike. It was quite an uncomfortable panel, because Chris Claremont, who wrote all of the main X-Men books for decades (including a remarkable 300-issue run on Uncanny X-Men), was in attendance for the classic fans and seemed to consistently look upon what was currently being done with his characters with complete disdain. I don’t understand why though. The X-Men books have been wonderful in the last year or so, almost down the line. This includes the ultra-violent X-Force, by Craig Kyle and Christopher Yost, the thoughtful X-Men Legacy, by Mike Carey, the powerhouse Uncanny X-Men, by Matt Fraction and the time-travel mindfuckery of Cable, by Duane Swierczynski. A few major announcements were made at this panel, the most notable being a New Mutants relaunch penned by the always-reliable Zeb Wells, an X-Force mini-series called Sex and Violence and a new Claremont book called X-Men: Forever, which Claremont pimped out for an uncomfortably long time. (Note: Don’t get me wrong. Chris Claremont is one of my favorite writers of all time and he wrote the first comic book I ever read. But, jeez, is he cantankerous!)

Marvel’s Dark Reign panel was next, which dealt with the aftermath of the Secret Invasion event, which involved the villainous Norman Osborne basically becoming the head of the Marvel Universe. I was psyched for this one, because it included the brilliant Brian Michael Bendis, a writer who I’d never seen in person before. Turns out, he’s a lot shorter and heftier than I thought he was. But no matter. He rules. Hard. And he was easily the funniest and most thoughtful member of the panel during the inevitable Q and A section. The announcements here included Jonathan Hickman (Secret Warriors) replacing Mark Millar on Fantastic Four in September, which I think is an inspired choice, and two new mini-series, Dark Reign: Young Avengers, by Paul Cornell and The Hood, by Jeff Parker. Cornell, as it turns out, was my favorite member of the panel. I’ve never read anything by him before, including his struggling ongoing series, Captain Britain and the MI:13, but I’m going to start. The guy is cartoonishly British, in the most charming way imaginable. I wanted to be his best friend. I’ll definitely be picking up that Young Avengers book.

For the next one, I needed something a bit more thoughtful, so I went to the Vertigo panel (Vertigo is often branded “the HBO of comics,” to give you an idea of what they’re about). Editor Karen Berger was the head panelist and she seemed so excited by everything she was announcing that it made me want to read it all. But first thing’s first. Air writer, G. Willow Wilson was there, and she looked adorable. She’s an odd girl, that G. Willow Wilson. She’s less than four years older than I am, but she’s a Muslim convert, which causes a very sexy and exotic way of dressing, and one of those cool nose rings that attaches to the ear. And Air is pretty brilliant, by the way. Oh my God. Within five minutes of the start of this panel, I already had a crush. Meanwhile, Berger kept making great announcements, like the expansion of Vertigo’s graphic novel division, featuring provocative upcoming books like How To Understand Israel in 60 Days or Less, by Sarah Glidden, which concerns the famous “Birthright” trips to Israel. Two new ongoing series were also announced, but wait. I’d started making eyes at G. Willow Wilson. And, what was this? Was she making eyes back at me? I smiled at her. I thought I saw the glimmer of a smile back. What the fuck was happening? But, yeah. Ongoing series. One, by Mike Carey, is called The Unwritten, which is inspired by the real-life Christopher Robin Milne, and wonders whether its main character is real or a fictional creation. The second one is by the great Peter Milligan. Called Greek Street, it’s a modern take on Greek tragedy and it sounds wonderful. And, while Marvel is raising the prices on some of its most popular books by a dollar (to 3.99), Vertigo is offering the first issues of all of its new series (plus, Air #7) for a dollar! Now they have the right idea. So, as the panel was ending, I decided to go talk to G. Willow Wilson. But a bunch of fans mobbed her so I left. Dammit. Depressed again. So I decided to skip the final DC panel and go home, because who really cares anyway? Final Crisis really did suck.

More tomorrow from Comic Con…

Tags: comic con jacob javits center new york
February 7, 2009 at 1:26am ∞

by Daniel Erenberg

Andrew Bird is a musician who, historically, has flitted between genres like a hummingbird. For a while there, with each record released, you never quite knew what to expect. So it’s a little bit dismaying that his new release, Noble Beast, sounds so much like an Andrew Bird record. All the signs are there that it is clearly him being himself: the ever-present whistling, the pizzicato violin, the abstract lyrics, often referencing science and history. Noble Beast is an Andrew Bird record to an almost distracting degree. But I guess it’s a good thing that Andrew Bird is so damn good at what he does. It still results in a fantastic record.

Noble Beast isn’t without its missteps though. It has a weak beginning, with two pop songs surrounding the flamenco-flavored “Masterswarm.” Andrew Bird, as it turns out, can’t really handle flamenco, despite a few wonderful violin flourishes, and when he’s attempting to write a radio single, he sounds annoyingly like The Shins. The Shins have never changed anyone’s life, despite what Garden State told us, and neither will these songs. The lyrics on this album take the opposite route, by being almost willfully abstract. Just try to make sense of a line like “Proto-Sanskrit Minoans to porto-centric Lisboans/Greek Cypriots and Hobis-hots who hang around the ports a lot.” I don’t have the time or the Encyclopedia to figure out that line. Now, I like abstract lyrics. Most of my favorite lyricists practically never include literal images in their songs, and Andrew Bird is included on this list. The one upside to lines like this, though, is that they add much greater weight to the few simple lines on this record that you don’t need to read into, like “They took me to the hospital/They put my body through a scan” or “Still my lover won’t return to me,” which is repeated throughout the cathartic “Souverians.”

Most of this album is wonderful though, bitching aside. “Effigy” burns with a wonderful rustic tone, and a brilliant melody. “Tenuousness” washes over you quite majestically, with a swirling violin arrangement and a ghostly vocal. Bird gets electronic with “Not A Robot, But A Ghost” but warms it with a spectacular woodwind arrangement. And, best of all, is “Anonanimal,” which is a monster, whose arrangement is complex beyond the point of belief.

If you want more monster arrangements, there’s Useless Creatures, the bonus disc on the deluxe edition, which is a second full-length new Andrew Bird album, this one composed entirely of instrumental songs. This includes some of Bird’s best songs ever (“Carrion Suite,” “Dissent,” “You Woke Me Up!”) and some of his most self-indulgent as well (“The Barn Tapes”) but that’s to be expected and enjoyed. It turns out that Andrew Bird just being Andrew Bird is pretty great on its own merits.

A-

Tags: Andrew Bird Music Review Noble Beast Whistling
February 2, 2009 at 5:39pm ∞