by Daniel Erenberg

I’ve been watching the Red Carpet show on E! for an hour and I’m already pissed.

I should probably give you guys a disclaimer. I thought Slumdog Millionaire was a totally lame movie, and I don’t care what anyone says. And don’t try to explain the film to me. I don’t care that it’s a fairy tale. I don’t care that it’s being honest about real life events that have occurred in Mumbai. I don’t care that it’s an underdog masterpiece with many wonderful amateur actors. I don’t give a shit. I hated the “message,” I didn’t buy the plot contrivances and I thought the characters were motivated by completely false impulses, and it’s not “feel-good” if it just makes me feel disdain. Also, worst ending ever. And I’m referring to the phone call, the race across the train tracks, the “Destiny” choice and the Bollywood number. It was all awful. But it’s going to win Best Picture tonight. And it may be the worst Best Picture winner of all time. That’s right. Crash was better. So was Million Dollar Baby. So was Shakespeare in Love. If Slumdog wins tonight, it would be worse than if Little Miss Sunshine had beat The Departed three years ago or if Michael Clayton had taken down both No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood last year. The Academy is gonna be really embarrassed about this in a few years. Also, I’m sick of Danny Boyle’s smug face. So let’s get going. Time for the Oscars!

8:10- Danny Boyle is on the Red Carpet with lots of Indian people from the movie standing behind him. Smug, smug, smug, talking about how wonderful it is that these perfect and brilliant people can be there with him. Go away.

8:15- Jeez, Anne Hathaway is fine. And she gave one of my favorite performances of the year in Rachel Getting Married. I’m gonna go watch clips of her naked in Havoc and Brokeback online now. To prepare for the show! I swear!

8:24- Judd Apatow, Leslie Mann and Seth Rogen all on screen. My affection for them is quelling my hatred of Boyle and his band of Indians.

8:27- They’re describing the set. Apparently there are a lot of crystals. ‘Cause that’ll make Hugh Jackman, the gayest straight guy in show business, seem less gay.

8:30- The show begins quite pompously, but it’s offset by a promotion for Diet Coke.

8:31- Hugh Jackman comes out looking oddly young. I’m expecting a really lame song-and-dance performance from ol’ Wolverine, but he starts with some jokes. Very Bruce Vilanche, with lots of bad economy jokes.

8:32- The singing begins. Fuck. Those jokes are looking pretty good right about now.

8:33- Jackman singing “It’s okay to be gay” makes him look even gayer than I already thought he was.

8:35- Now Anne Hathaway is singing. This just got significantly hotter.

8:38- It ended okay, but I don’t miss Jon Stewart any less.

8:39- Jackman is sitting on Frank Langella’s lap. Okay! He’s straight! I get it!

8:40- A steroid joke. How topical!

8:41- A montage of supporting actress winners. Are they going to do this for every award? If so, waste of time. Also, remember when Whoopi Goldberg won an Oscar? Insane! Now she’s coming out on stage with four fellow winners, which include Tilda Swinton, looking more like Thom Yorke than ever. And they’re describing all the performances in great detail. Which seems unnecessary and time-consuming at this stage of the game.

8:43- Okay, I’m rooting for either Penelope Cruz or Marisa Tomei. I’m pretty sure Cruz is gonna win. I could also deal with Amy Adams winning. She was quite good in Doubt and she’s probably the woman in that room that I am most attracted to.

8:48- Penelope Cruz wins and she gives a nice, sweet acceptance speech in both English and Spanish.

8:53- Steve Martin and Tina Fey come out to present. They’ve been working together a lot lately. They’re strained, but funny. And they present Best Original Screenplay, complete with selections from the scripts, which is actually pretty cool and well done.

8:56- Dustin Lance Black wins for Milk, which I was both expecting and rooting for. So, great. Black, as it turns out, is a really young guy and he seems cool. And openly gay, which makes sense. And might be why the screenplay felt so damn authentic.

8:58- Fey and Martin are back out for Adapted Screenplay. They’re funnier this time than they were before. Martin implores, “Don’t fall in love with me.” Awesome.

9:01- Simon Beaufoy wins for Slumdog Millionaire. And so it begins. Even the excerpt from that screenplay was annoying: “She stands a world away from him.” Meh.

9:03- Jack Black and Jennifer Aniston present Best Animated Feature, so we cut to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the audience, which is, perhaps, the tackiest thing I’ve ever seen. Jack Black makes an awesome joke about how Pixar wrecks Dreamworks at the Oscars every year. And he’s right, because they’re always better.

9:05- A clip montage of the Animated Features of the year. So we’re treated to clips from Star Wars: The Clone Wars and Space Chimps.

9:06- Wall-E wins. As it should be.

9:08- Black and Aniston are gonna go ahead and stay out to present Animated Short Film. I guess I’ll root for “Presto,” that one that was played in front of Wall-E.

9:09- The winner is “La Maison en Petits Cubes.” The director can’t really speak English. But, at the end, he says “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto,” which is fucking hilarious.

9:15- Every time Jackman comes out, the band seems to play a jazzy little number. It’s lamer than it probably sounds.

9:16- We’ve got Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker (who looks better than usual) announcing Best Art Direction. That jazzy number is still playing and now it’s getting downright irritating.

9:17- Benjamin Button wins, because it had to win something. And that’s a nice choice. It probably deserved this award above all others.

9:19- Parker and Craig stay out there to present Costume Design, and that jazz shit is back. Motherfuck!

9:21- The Duchess wins. I didn’t think they’d go with something that predictable, but fine. Whatever. I can’t be that pissed off about Costume Design.

9:22- Parker and Craig are back for Makeup and so is that jazz number. This is getting ridiculous, and they’re getting more screen time, at this point, than Hugh Jackman. Which might not be the worst thing in the world.

9:24- Benjamin Button wins over The Dark Knight, and I’m cool with that. They probably deserve this one as well. Brad Pitt looks oddly moved by this. Probably because he had to spend a shit-ton of time in that makeup chair.

9:25- Robert Pattinson from Twilight is on stage, but who cares? Amanda Seyfried is presenting with him, and I absolutely love her! (And she’s been great on Big Love so far this season). They present a clip show of great romances in film this year. So, lots of Slumdog and, quite hilariously, Ryan Reynolds in Definitely Maybe making an appearance at the Oscars. But I was particularly happy to see a couple of clips from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The whole thing is set to “Lovers In Japan,” by Coldplay, which is an okay song.

9:31- Ben Stiller, sporting a hilarious fake Joaquin Phoenix beard and sunglasses, comes out along with Natalie Portman to do Best Cinematography. Stiller is awesome and bizarrely accurate in his impersonation. Natalie Portman says, “You look like you came from a Hassidic Meth Lab,” which is also funny. Now, Stiller is just wandering around on stage. This is the highlight of my night so far.

9:35- Slumdog wins, and it must be asked: Just because a film is shot in a good-looking part of the world, does that mean the cinematography was great? This is a trap the Oscars often fall into, but Slumdog’s cinematography was actually pretty good, so I’m not overly pissed about this one.

9:36- I’m sick of looking at Danny Boyle and his yellow teeth.

9:38- Hey! Jessica Biel is presenting! Why?! Okay, they always get a random hot girl to present the technical awards. I guess it’s her this year. Jessica Alba might have done it last year. I vaguely remember that.

9:42- A Comedy montage kicking off with a hilarious Pineapple Express clip created directly for the Oscars! Awesome! This may be one of the funniest things I’ve ever watched. And Oscar-winning cinematographer Janusz Kaminski showed up, which is just strange.

9:45- Now, Seth Rogen, James Franco and Kaminski are presenting Best Live Action Short Film, and the winner is “Spielzeugland,” which sounds absolutely hilarious coming from the mouth of James Franco. And Rogen laughs at his pronunciation, which is even funnier. Wait a second. Why aren’t James Franco and Seth Rogen hosting the Academy Awards? Let’s start campaigning for next year, shall we?

9:52- “You’re probably wondering why I’m wearing this suit,” says Hugh Jackman. No, but you’re probably going to tell me. Apparently it’s because the musical is back. So Jackman is gonna give another singing/dancing performance, complete with tap dancing.

9:53- Oh, wait! Beyonce is joining him! Whoa! She’s becoming sort of ubiquitous, in a bad way. They’re singing a bunch of songs from classic musicals. The songs are good, but the performance is so ridiculous that I can’t even believe I’m watching it. But I guess I’m really not. I’m using this time to type and pretend it isn’t actually happening. So hey guys. Keep me occupied here okay. Oh! I just got a text! Score!

9:55- Oh, just what we needed: A brief reprise of Beyonce’s “At Last” inauguration party performance. But Amanda Seyfried just showed up, so it got a little bit better, but still not really tolerable. And Zac Efron’s hat fell off when he bowed again. Nice.

10:01- A pretty predictable clip show of supporting actor winners pops up. Oh, what a surprise. “Show me the money!” Jack Palance doing a one-armed push-up! Yay! And it looks like Christopher Walken is here to present, along with other cool guys like Alan Arkin, Joel Grey and Kevin Kline. And Cuba Gooding Jr. is there, snubbed last year for Daddy Day Camp. Wait, Alan Arkin just said, “Seymour Phillip Hoffman.” Awkward!

10:07- Kevin Kline’s tribute to Heath Ledger is actually quite moving. And Ledger, deservedly, wins his posthumous Oscar for a truly remarkable performance. And, on a personal note, a comic book film just won a major award, so that is a milestone I am very happy with. Ledger’s family comes up to accept the award, which is genuinely sweet, and a little bit heartbreaking.

10:11- A Documentary montage, featuring Werner Herzog being bad-ass, just like always.

10:13- Bill Maher is here to present the Documentary award to something other than Religulous. And that something is Man On Wire, the only one of these films I actually saw. It was totally awesome though, so I’m happy with this. Also, the Man on the Wire just did a disappearing-coin magic trick and balanced his Oscar on his face. It just got even more awesome.

10:17- Documentary Short Subject, and we’re still with Maher. The winner is called Smile Pinki, which is an adorable name. Is the film about a bunch of kittens rolling around in a blow-up swimming pool? I hope so. But, no. It’s about children with clefts. That’s really, really different.

10:22- Jackman introduces a montage of this year’s action movies. So we get to see Speed Racer and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Empire one last time.

10:25- Will Smith comes out to the Dark Knight music because we’ve already forgotten Hancock. He’s here to present Best Visual Effects, and the award goes to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. So that’s another thing it has in common with Forrest Gump.

10:28- Will Smith also presents Outstanding Sound Editing, but takes uncomfortably long in figuring out how to say the word “Outstanding.” Dark Knight wins. Awesome.

10:30- Smith is back for Sound Mixing. I’m kind of done with this guy. I just can’t stand his schtick anymore. And he still sounds like The Fresh Prince to me. Slumdog Millionaire wins. Fine.

10:33- Danny Boyle’s maniacal smile leads me to believe he would be a wonderful Joker in the next Batman film.

10:34- Why the fuck is Will Smith still on the fucking screen? Christ! Anyway, he’s presenting Editing. Slumdog Millionaire’s editing was actually one of the only truly impressive things about that film, so it’ll probably win. And it does. The editor, charmingly, is an insanely white (albino?) guy who seems as though he’s never been to India, despite his claims.

10:37- After the break, there’s going to be a tribute to Jerry Lewis. I may or may not take this time to go online and see if that Rogen/Franco/Kaminski clip is up anywhere yet.

10:41- Eddie Murphy opens up the proceedings for the humanitarian award that Jerry Lewis is getting. Also, second Coldplay song of the night as “Viva La Vida” plays over the annoying Jerry Lewis montage. I’m actually watching a montage of clips from Jerry Lewis telethons right now. What the fuck is going on?

10:44- Jerry comes out to accept his award and gets a standing ovation. Maybe it’s just because I’m young, but really? Why? Because all the winners of this award do? Also, did Jerry have a stroke at some point? He’s sounding a little stroke-y. But better than Dick Clark, and his speech is short and very gracious. Maybe I’ve been too hard on the Nutty Professor.

10:50- The Academy Award Orchestra (led by Lost composer Michael Giacchino) does selections from the nominated Scores. This is actually wonderful, and really calls attention to the losers. Slumdog sounded especially good in this setting.

10:53- Zac Efron and Alicia Keys come out for some reason and present the Score category. A.R. Rahman wins for his truly great Slumdog Millionaire score. Now the Academy just needs to STOP giving this film awards. Immediately.

10:55- Uh-oh. Here come the Best Song performances and we don’t even get to see Bruce Springsteen perform his incredible and moving “The Wrestler” because it is, inexplicably, not nominated. Instead, A.R. Rahman is back out performing “O…Saya” with a bunch of back-up dancers. Lame.

10:57- John Legend is performing “Down To Earth,” the Peter Gabriel song from Wall-E. It breaks up the two Slumdog songs quite nicely, but the song is incredibly lame outside of the context of the film it was written for.

10:59- And now, here is “Jai Ho,” the song from that horrible, horrible Bollywood dance sequence from the end of Slumdog. This song is actually better outside of the context of its film, and it’s probably going to win, because it’s so easily identified with the film. Insanely, John Legend comes back at the end to sing the chorus of “Down To Earth” to the tune of “Jai Ho.” Odd.

11:00- “Jai Ho,” predictably, wins. But, in my heart, The Boss is up there.

11:05- Liam Neeson comes out with the finest of the Slumdog ladies (Frida Pinto? Is that her name?). They’re rocking the Foreign Film category. The only nominee I’ve seen is Waltz With Bashir, which was great, but Departures wins, which is a Japanese film that looks quite interesting. The director is “berry, berry happy,” which is adorable.

11:10- Queen Latifah is here. Remember All Hail The Queen? I totally miss those days. I don’t really care about the Queen anymore. Especially now that she’s crooning a song over the “In Memoriam” reel and doing a very mediocre job.

11:12- Bummer. Bernie Mac and Michael Crichton are dead. And Pat Hingle, the old Commisioner Gordon. And Charles Joffe, Woody Allen’s old producer. And Roy Scheider, our erstwhile sheriff. And, oh, there’s Isaac Hayes, the best Chef ever, and Ricardo Montalban. Khaaaaan! The guy who wrote Rear Window died. Whoa. And there’s the amazing Mr. Heston. And Anthony Minghella, who gave us The Talented Mr. Ripley. And, finally, there’s Mr. Paul Newman. But, if I may say, this was a horribly produced segment, not up to the usual standard of the Oscars. Queen Latifah was horribly tacky and they kept the camera away from the screen that was showing the departed folks. That sucked, Oscars. Worst moment of the night, even beating Beyonce and Hugh Jackman singing “Mamma Mia.” Get your shit together, dicks.

11:18- The President of the Academy stands up in the audience and, thankfully, does not give a speech.

11:19- Reese Witherspoon is here to give out the Best Director award. Please no Danny Boyle, please no Danny Boyle. I’m hoping for either Gus Van Sant or David Fincher.

11:20- FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Danny Boyle comes up to accept his award for Slumdog Millionaire. He’s a sweet guy and a talented filmmaker, and he gives a good speech here. But he does not deserve this award. No way, no how.

11:25- A Best Actress winner montage, and some actresses come out. I’m not a Nicole Kidman or Halle Berry fan, but the other three are damn good actresses. Shirley Maclaine, Marion Cotillard (looking beautiful) and Sophia Loren (looking like a monster) are all good to see up there. I’m gonna go ahead and root for Hathaway and Mery Streep because they gave the two best female performances of the year.

11:32- Kate Winslet wins and I’m incredibly happy that she now has an Oscar in her possession because she may be the finest actress in the world right now. But did it really have to be for The Reader? It was one of her weaker performances in one of her weaker films. But, whatever, man. She should have won years ago so I’m very pleased with this. Also, she asked her dad to whistle so she knew where he was and he did so, which was a very sweet moment.

11:37- Our Best Actor presenters are Robert Deniro, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody and Michael Douglas. It’s a terribly fine collection of actors. Also, why the fuck is Michael Douglas playing a ghost in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past with Matthew McConaghuey? Deniro is particularly awesome in this setting. So, Penn or Rourke better win. And I’d be totally, totally cool with either one.

11:43- After those speeches, I’m slightly bummed that Mickey Rourke didn’t win. Instead, Sean Penn wins for his absolutely stunning performance as Harvey Milk. The man is a genius and he completely deserves this Oscar. And he keeps calling people “Commie, homo-loving sons of guns,” which rules. He ends the speech with a scathing indictment of those who voted against gay marriage. Because of the film he is winning for, this does not seem out-of-place and annoying, but appropriate and sad. He finishes up calling Mickey Rourke his “brother,” which is sweet.

11:47- Hey kids! It’s Steven Spielberg!

11:49- Oh my god. A film that uses Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? as its framing sequence is about to win Best Picture at the Oscars, isn’t it?

11:52- Yup. Slumdog Millionaire is the best picture of the year. So who really gives a shit anymore?

Tags: oscars diary slumdog millionaire
February 22, 2009 at 11:56pm ∞