by Danielle Berg
MTV’s The City is the television show you don’t admit you watch, unless you’re watching to be ironic, or to stay updated on The Cut’s hilarious recaps. I watch it. But I’m not doing it (primarily) for the reasons above. I’m watching it for the same reasons we fall in love with slightly less attractive, less intelligent versions of our greatest loves; why we order the same dish at a restaurant even though it’s changed owners and our Curry Supreme will never be as good. I’m watching it to bring back My So-Called Life.
Some of the elements are already there, but some have a little way to go. I’ve compiled a guide to help The City become more like one of the greatest television series of the ’90s.
Whitney: B
You’re searching for yourself, and that’s good. Angela Chase might have found herself by this point, in her twenties, but she was middle class, living in Pittsburgh, and people brought guns to her high school. It’s okay: you were sheltered, and we understand that it’ll take you a little longer.
Suggestions for improvement:
- Start writing stories about being a sleeping girl in a gingerbread house.
- Your voiceovers leave room for improvement. Instead of, “Of all the people I’ve met in New York, Olivia is definitely the most opinionated,” try something like, “Olivia is, like, so opinionated. Anyway, I, like, totally love Jay. When he’s nearby, my whole body knows it.”
- A good way to find yourself is to dye your hair red. “Crimson Glow” worked really well for Angela. Not sure if they still carry that, though.
Jay: B+
Well done. You’re the 20th century Jordan Catalano. No longer living in the decade of grunge, you wear very tight jeans and bright sunglasses. Just like Jordan, you’re very cute until you talk, and you’re in a sub-par band. If there were a basement boiler room somewhere, you’d have taken Whitney there to make out.
Suggestions for improvement:
- Admit that you can’t read. It will make you a more complicated character, and make some of your less supportive viewers feel bad for you.
- Make a friend whom you talk about all the time, but the audience never sees.
Erin: A-
Just like Sharon, you’re genuinely a good best friend. Also, you’re promiscuous. Keep up the good work!
Olivia: C+
You’re the best candidate for Rayanne Graff’s role, but you have a long way to go. Like Rayanne, you’re visibly jealous of Whitney’s life; but Rayanne liked Angela, and while you do a decent job of pretending to like Whitney, we need you to really like her. The good thing is, you have a male sidekick who is (pretending not to be) gay, and like Angela’s, your hair is long and wavy.
Suggestions for improvement:
- Rayanne had a really bad drinking problem. We don’t want you to have a drinking problem, too, because that would be awful; but some kind of really deep, serious secret issue that makes you rely on Whitney will make you a more sympathetic character (like Jay, after revealing his inability to read), while highlighting Whitney’s role as the metaphorical angel.
- Fans are already predicting this: you’ll have to hook up with Jay. It will hurt Whitney very badly, but she keeps talking about whether she can trust you, and this will finally give her an answer.
Nevan: D
The only thing you’ve done right so far is hang out with your cousin, Olivia. Ricky Vasquez is loveable and ponderous. You are loathsome and pompous.
Suggestions for improvement:
- We’re all confused that you’re heterosexual. If you are, there’s nothing wrong with that, but please stop talking about girls so we can at least pretend you’re gay. This will work, because for the most part, Ricky only alluded to being “different,” and we don’t really need a solid answer here.
- Stop being a bitch. Ricky was nothing but adorable, at all times.
Also, we need a Brian Krakow. Alex from episode two seemed like he might work, but he was a model, and that’s not very Brian. That accountant who worked at DVF and took Whitney on a date was a better option, but he hasn’t returned since. Ideally, we need casting to locate the nerdy boy who grew up with Whitney and lived across the street. And do it soon, because Jay really needs a foil who’s not Adam.
Tags:
mtv
the city
my so-called life
February 16, 2009 at 12:55pm ∞
